


Distractions: One Down

by Erisabesu (ErisabesuFic)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Romance, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:23:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22947736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErisabesuFic/pseuds/Erisabesu
Summary: “Anyone could see this arrangement was reasonable, although Kakashi never seemed to remember their past conversations on the subject, in which case little things sometimes turned into A Big Deal.”  [2009.05.03]
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	Distractions: One Down

**“Distractions: One Down”**

♦

After all his years of teaching in classrooms overflowing with tiny beginner ninjas, Iruka had become a master of multi-tasking.

Grading papers while listening to Kotetsu’s latest woes/escapades on the phone and working on a crossword puzzle was hardly the best example of what he could successfully juggle, although it must be said that no one had ever tested the limits of his multi-tasking abilities as far as Konoha’s own Hatake Kakashi, a.k.a., the master of stealth.

Many times while thus preoccupied, Iruka would suddenly find that his pants were around his ankles, or he would suddenly jump out of his seat at the kitchen table from the shock of ice cubes down the back of his shirt, and in several cases he’d suffered the two shocks at once–Kakashi’s imagination was as well known as his typical sources of inspiration.

Iruka knew that this childish behavior was Kakashi’s way of sulking. Kakashi claimed he felt neglected by the hours Iruka spent working on his students’ essays and homework question sheets even though Iruka was never remiss in giving Kakashi his undivided attention on a daily (and nightly) basis.

Iruka lectured him repeatedly that according to his personal code of honor, he felt it only right that one did not grade papers while entertaining one’s boyfriend because it would be _unfair to the boyfriend_. And so, since Iruka had a duty to uphold to Konoha by completing the necessary classroom paperwork, he felt it was perfectly acceptable to enjoy a crossword puzzle or two and help out a good friend deal with their insane personal life at the same time without being made to feel like an insensitive fiend.

Anyone could see this arrangement was reasonable, although Kakashi never seemed to remember their past conversations on the subject, in which case little things sometimes turned into A Big Deal.

So when Iruka, engaged in the usual at the kitchen table, saw his boyfriend pull up a chair and then heard the same boyfriend say “Let’s defect!” –he at least had the courtesy of hanging up the phone with Kotetsu, since it would not be the least bit helpful to confuse the poor man with Kakashi’s theatrics.

After placing the phone in the cradle, and viewing Kakashi’s happy grin—always a sign of danger—Iruka decided to extend the courtesy one step further and set down his infamous red pen. (He kept the black one used for crosswords in his hand, for the illusory sense of stability it provided in these instances.)

“But, where would we _go_?”

Kakashi scooted his chair closer. “I know just the place! Picture it—the excitement of exploring a whole network of underground passageways and chambers, lit by romantic candlelight everywhere you go and with absolutely no risk of sunburn!”

“That …sounds like Hidden Sound.”

“Precisely!”

Iruka let out a sigh. “Kakashi…”

“Or!” His boyfriend cut in, “How about this—we’ll run off to a land full of mysteries, protected by high mountain walls and surrounded by the wailing voices of ancient spirits trapped in the unceasing winds!”

“You mean … Hidden Sand?”

“Bingo!”

Iruka rolled his eyes. “How could we defect to an ally? They’d be forced to send us right back!”

“You are right. Hmmmmm.” Kakashi crossed his arms, tapping a gloved hand against his masked lips. “Then … we’ll have to go _there_.”

Iruka was not sure he wanted to hear any more. (Nictitate: Fourteen Across)

Kakashi gestured to indicate yet another spectacular vista. “Our refuge will be a place so lush on the outside that it needs no guards—no one would guess the secrets held within that glorious cascade of water until you swim down to its depths and emerge in a fantasy world complete with a lake of shining waters and a sacred tree holding the gift of immortality…”

Iruka pondered this one for a moment—he’d always wanted to vacation in Hidden Waterfall—but then he furrowed his brow.

“But what would we do about our bonsai tree? And my garden? And my students’ final exams? And the chickadee nest I found yesterday in the eaves above the back window?”

Kakashi stood up, grabbing hold of Iruka’s hand and yanking him to his feet. “How about we practice how we’ll escape?”

“Huh? Wait—no—” Iruka sidestepped Kakashi’s lunge, but was forced to fling his black ballpoint pen across the room to keep his balance and still lost his shirt somehow in the process.

“ _Kakashi_!”

“I brought this just for you!” Kakashi said, flopping a scrunched-up sleeveless shirt over Iruka’s ponytail and around his neck.

Annoyed, Iruka pulled it the rest of the way on and shoved his arms through the armholes, covering himself as quickly as possible before Kakashi got any more weird ideas. “What in the hell are you doing?!”

“Here you go!” Kakashi buckled on an ANBU vest and slipped a bunny rabbit mask over Iruka’s face before he could protest any further.

Iruka wasn’t sure if he should be furious or just exasperated, and he might have teetered over to the side of anger if he hadn’t first caught a glimpse of his appearance in the reflection of the toaster.

The vest, the shirt, the mask—hot _damn_ he looked good!

Iruka flexed, showing off the manly bulge of his bicep and the narrowness of his waist beneath the white vest.

“Want to try the sword?” Kakashi asked, holding it up.

“Uh, sure.” Iruka turned to the side and tightened his stomach muscles, stroking over the toned ridges while checking himself out. “What about gloves?”

Iruka should have been more suspicious when Kakashi produced the rest of the getup, but hell—he was an Academy schoolteacher, trapped most days in a small room with rambunctious children who couldn’t even mould their own chakra yet. He’d never had a chance to wear ANBU gear before, and once Kakashi fit the sword on his back and slid the clawed gloves up past his elbows Iruka felt more than just _made of awesome_ : he felt Fucking Invincible.

“How’s it feel?”

Iruka looked at Kakashi, and beneath the mask, he licked his lips. “ _Dangerous_.”

“Good,” Kakashi moved closer, tilting Iruka’s head up. “Now for the test run.”

And with that, he disappeared.

“What?! You are _sooooo_ dead,” Iruka seethed, fingers flying through the seals and vanishing right behind him.

Kakashi was quick, but Iruka was no slacker; they twisted and scuffled over rooftops and through dingy alleyways, overturning a stand of produce in the marketplace and scaring a group of teens loitering outside the arcade.

Kakashi ran for the border like he meant it with ever step, Iruka the ANBU that hunted him, ruthless, whittling away at the distance until he could breathe down Kakashi’s neck and tackle him in the middle of a mostly unused practice field.

“Gotcha,” Iruka panted, more than a little smug as he held Kakashi flat on his back in a swath of overgrown leafy grass.

Kakashi chuckled, wrists pinned above his head, but just as out of breath. “So you did.”

“Now what?” Iruka tilted his head, listening to the sound of a trickling stream nearby and calculating the distance between their current location and the closest shinobi. They’d run farther than he’d thought.

Kakashi wriggled beneath him, circling his hips and gaining Iruka’s complete and full attention with something large and lengthy that didn’t come inside a regular shinobi shuriken pouch.

“Now I believe _you_ get to have your dirty-dirty way with me, ANBU-san.”

Iruka slumped, hanging his head, exasperated and finally understanding that this whole set up had been a charade to conceal his boyfriend’s perverted objective all along, and he’d fallen for it like one of his more gullible students.

But then Iruka caught sight of his bunny-masked glare in the reflection of Kakashi’s headband, remembered the thrill of the chase and figured—well, what the hell?

He swished his sword from the sheath and held it to Kakashi’s throat. Kakashi’s eye bulged in surprise and Iruka was amazed at the answering zing of power he felt through his loins. Iruka teased Kakashi’s cheek with the flat of the blade, then angled the tip to nick the fabric of his facemask and uncover his nose and lips, cutting a line down to his throat without breaking the skin. When the fabric fell away, Kakashi’s temples were dripping with sweat and Iruka grinned.

“You ready for your punishment, _traitor_?”

Kakashi simply shrugged, cocking his head in mockery. “What’s a cute little bunny like _you_ gonna do?”

Kakashi, for all his genius, might not have taunted Iruka if he’d known what would happen, but as it were, the jibe was enough to ignite the highly flammable buildup around the Chuunin’s ego, born from far too many years of under-appreciation until the man quivered and exploded in a roar of frustrated rage.

“That is _it_ you Asshole Jounin Scum!”

Iruka stabbed the sword into the ground beside Kakashi’s head before ripping Kakashi’s flak jacket open and tearing off a strip from his ruined shirt to bind his wrists together. Then Iruka shoved his boyfriend over in the grass and held him there, yanking the rest of his clothing off in one swoop and gazing at the man’s tight, naked, vulnerable ass with a surging of lust that would usually accompany the full moon.

The moon that night was just a waxing gibbous, but it didn’t matter—the unspeakable amount of sex and punishment that went on in that field is one of Fire Country’s most sordid secrets, one of Kakashi’s most valuable memories, and one of Iruka’s most regretted Incidents of Lost Composure.

In a matter of minutes, an entire generation of field rabbits were scandalized into celibacy by Iruka’s vehement curses of pleasure and Kakashi’s whorish moans, not to mention the echoing slappity-slap of hardcore assfucking that could be heard by every single species of tiny forest creature for miles and miles.

Two hours later, collapsed beside Kakashi in exhaustion, Iruka had to admit that while he’d never be able to think about what just happened without turning an embarrassing shade of crimson, it had likely been the most cathartic experience of his life.

Kakashi, nuzzling into Iruka’s neck and sighing in bliss, apparently agreed with him.

“Sorry, Kotetsu, can’t talk right now,” is what Iruka says when the phone rings these days.

In one hand he still juggles the red and black pens, but he keeps the other free so he can stroke the silver head in his lap, where Kakashi sits curled under the table around his feet. Neither of them (Subterfuge: Nineteen Down) could be happier, and if there was ever a dull moment, a certain vest and assorted accoutrements hang in the back of the closet in wait… though Iruka expects it to be some time before they venture into such hedonistic roleplay again.

For now they will enjoy this simple quiet time, each wearing a secret smile that even the Hokage’s topmost ANBU soldiers couldn’t properly decode, one that curls in anticipation of both Kakashi’s next Bright Idea and Iruka’s subsequent Rigorous Discipline.

—

Ω

**Author's Note:**

> Haha, this one is so silly but I hope you enjoy! :3
> 
> If you're on twitter say hi! @erisabesu3


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